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Matt
08 March 2007 @ 07:45 am
Just a note to mention that I've moved to zygote_spawn, my second stab at journaling. If you're interested, add me - if not, then it probably won't have any bearing on the ultimate fate of the universe, so don't beat yourself up or anything!

...And so he trundled ever-onwards; dust-covered and bleary-eyed, under the deafening, psychotropic visual explosion of a sky reborn; the ruins of past-phantasms sinking beneath his shoes, laced with never-ending regret....

Er.
 
 
Matt
25 February 2007 @ 04:57 am
The chair I sit in at my computer desk must be coated with quasi, because I swear that I have the most poignant and sober-minded thoughts when not seated in it. Recited poetically by the hybrid voiceover man of Patrick Stewart and Winnie the Pooh, the transition seemingly spasticates them both.



"The world wasn't ready for his nu-grandad ways, dammit" -- Stevie Wonder




Additional:


It is now time to move on.

The extraction of romanticism from the deeper levels of my being is now complete.

This LJ is utterly pointless; an agenda-less, radial-blurred, rambling smorgasbord of post-ironic whats and its. I despise it. And I despise even more that I've carried it on this long simply on the notion that a lifetime-maintained journal is somehow a glorious feat.

It is ...not.

Today, at work, I had the most beneficial progression of thought - great epiphanies struck my cerebrum, much was realized and understood.

And now I feel extremely 26 years old.

Consequently, I will be removing this journal. I will destroy this embarrassing abomination, and vow never to repeat such a mistake again. From this day on - when I write - I write with blast goggles on.

Serious, valuable commentary, profitable recording and creative endeavor - no more willysnatcher's delight.

As for the rest: (my life etc) the last three years has been a diabolical fuck-up. I realize now that a normal life is quite beyond me - I will always be on the kaleidoscopic-outside looking in. A serial pipe dreamer I may be - but in regards to love, pipe smoker seems far more apt.

 I don't know what happens next: All my life I've always been able to classify who and what I am, where I am heading - I've been able to summarize and define myself. But not anymore.

Disconcerting? Ya, a little.

But I shall continue as always, onward and upward, spasming my way through thick and thin. Drakotah MK II never gives in. Drakotah MK II loves donut longtime.

And that my friends is where I shall end it.



In parallel dimensions, I await you... mw-ha-ha.

Sincerely,
Matt Cooke
 
 
Current Emotional State: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
Matt
24 February 2007 @ 03:57 am
Saw a couple of films today, both of which were interesting... for entirely different reasons.

Shadow of the Vampire -- a fictionalized account of the making of the classic horror flick Nosferatu. It had its lulls - but - it was also very, very amusing at times; primarily due to the performance of Eddie Izzard. Not that he was being particularly comedic or anything, rather that he just seemed so damn put-upon and nervy. His scenes with the vampire (played excellently by Willem Defoe) were definitely the highlight - though in retrospect, I probably should have sat in front of my television, instead of laying on my bed 4 metres away. You're never quite sure the extent of your psyche you're projecting onto the screen, how much you're projecting onto the actor's faces. I guess being closer can go some way to eradicating that danger. Damn that aching, primeval urge to be horizontal!

Overall, a unique and intriguing movie, with some fine performances - 4 stars all the way... and den some. Mhmh.

Predator -- I haven't seen this movie for a long time. I was thinking to myself whilst watching it how a movie can offer up an entirely different experience when seen again years later. The film, the objective construct, stays the same - the watcher, the subjective experiencer, returns to it with new-found thought processes, ideas and perceptions. It results in an experience that, to varying degrees, you're familiar with (on a mental level), but in other ways, not. Glorious, non?


 
 
Current Emotional State: irritatedirritated
 
 
Matt
23 February 2007 @ 03:38 am
Hah. Owning my own server (and owning on my server) rocks. I should have down this a long, long time ago, it wouldn't have been difficult? And you know, they're like ants ("they ARE ants") - the gaymers that join my server - all of them! ANTS!!!!1one

I'm reveling in the benefactorishness of it all. I feel so damn Grandadian. Etc.

I keep drinking... haha. It's quite the novelty? I'm considering becoming a drunk. Picture the scene... I'm 89, toothless, gonad-less, knee-less and spewing up into my cup o' soup via my elongated chin. It's the dream that few can ever touch but that which we all... subconsciously ...feel. Yes.

Tomorrow I'm joining up with my fiends whereupon we will shoot some pool and regale one another with anecdotes about french cheese. Maybe. And then, MORE ch.. .alcohol. It never ends. The cycle of shall continue. Ad infinitum. Or until my lease runs out.

Chapter 2:

Yeah, drama is unfolding... much drama. I should do some energy raising and shit. On some level it infuriates me, because i'll begin it, do it for 2/3 weeks, and subsequenrlt start feeling really good about myself - that is until I get bored and/or stop believing in it. Which WILL happen. So I might do that. OR, i might just continue drinking. It's wondrously pointless?

I'm a lot like a pentium 3, 1ghz computer that keeps freezing and is being used solely to play Pong. Or something.

Wow... that's the most profound statement I've ever written .... ever. Jesus H-Pigman-Christ. Time for bed-collapsio. Take care... little computer people.
 
 
Current Emotional State: crankycranky
 
 
Matt
22 February 2007 @ 06:55 pm
OK: So I think it's safe to say now that the other week (when I woke up with that terrible chest ache), that I wasn't suffering the remnant effects of a heart attack. I was speaking today with Julie (the woman who cuts my hair) and it turns out that her daughter had a similar thing; a short-term but very potent flu virus, PLUS terrible chest ache. I swear that damn influenza is mutating into something evil.

I don't have a weak heart then. Phew!
 
 
Current Emotional State: amusedamused
 
 
 
Matt
22 February 2007 @ 02:48 am
Damn, I really should shave. It's not helping my current frame of mind any. It might work in less developed countries, and the bags-under-my-eyes, fuzzy-faced look might be an appropriate representation of what is occurring inside, but it surely can't be helping with my sex appeal.

Still, i've got an appointment tomorrow to get my hair cut. I'm considering going bald. Imagine! Baldness WITH a beard. I've never gone down that route before... who knows the riches it could bring me, the glory etc. Mhmhmh.

In other news: I've still no idea what I'm going to do. There's a part of me that wants to do a Rambo. You know; pure anarchy, sabotage everything, give existence the proverbial finger  - do whatevah. But try as I might, I can't.

Ultimately, while it might be screaming the loudest right now, I guess that part of me is very, very small.

Fuck.
 
 
Current Emotional State: blahblah
 
 
Matt
21 February 2007 @ 05:40 am
So it's yet another day where the realization that my life isn't heading in the direction it should be hits home; where I go through the motions of whoever-the-hell-I-am-these-days, removed from belief and dedication, my mind ever-fluidic and aloof. The ramifications are very real; every choice has weight; every thought, every ideal, every experience accumulates - the snowballin' self crashes ever onward. And deeper in the existential jungle - my past motivations and aspirations but a memory - I'm in need of a compass. The original blueprint that I held before me right before I entered was flawed: The most important factor was ignored. Tread carefully. I guess I had a picture in my mind of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live my life, what was required - and I was hellbent on making that picture a reality.

Now illuminated as pipe dreamism, alas: born from a mind that once saw life as being a vast open range of self-creation. This isn't apathy that I'm channeling, nor is it despair - it's simply purgatory of self. Life - self even - is far more complex and multi-faceted than that. Just when you think you've got it all figured out - BOOM. The wheel of change doesn't so much spin as flip on its multi-dimensional axis.

Some experiences are like h-bombs to the psyche - and you can't preempt what the eventualities will be. The devastation they cause is unprecedented and rarely readily apparent. I'm not sure what it is within me that causes me to be the way I am. I've always been more insightful than the average human; probably more intelligent too - though this intelligence has been infused with my own particular brand of dumb. All of which has taken me on a journey of self-discovery and paranormal revelation; flitting from worldview to worldview, philosophy to philosophy - and the proverbial end of the line: meta-extension-ism.

My eyes are open now - admittedly I might be disproportionately skewed (or perhaps even screwed) - but nevertheless, I see the fragility inherent to mankind's dreaming. The tenuous foundation of thought we attach to. The utter, almost depraved stupidity of it all. I can relate to it and I can understand it, and you know, a part of me even wishes I was back there, believing and reveling in it. But - as has been made evident - I can't. So for the time being I simply drift along just being; no fear of death, no fear of failure, no fear of anything really but yer typical fear of fear cliche. I wish I could shift back to the old days - just for a second. When the darkness still scared me, when I felt the spooky paranormal vibrations, when my adrenaline pumped at the thought of... projection. I wish I was still that ignorant person fighting so hard to not be ignorant. At least back then the path in front of me was clearly marked. Now it's defined by being completely open and free from road signs.

Heh, I don't why I'm writing all this. It's all utterly futile, really. There's so much to say. Far too much for someone of my limited attention span. These days I'm in danger of becoming Joe Normal - at least on the surface, to the untrained eye. Perhaps there's a part of me that is even pushing for this. But is that me? Is this my destiny, is this where my life is leading to? The thought makes me sick. Normality makes me sick. Cog-existence.

Ultimately I'm sandwiched between that and the memories of amazing experiences that I can't recreate. I'm haunted, maybe I'll always be haunted. Maybe I peaked too soon. Maybe I raised the bar too high and it came crashing down; in the process smacking me on the head and causing irreversible brain damage. Or maybe that was just my brain-wobbling antics. WHO knows.

Alcohol is respite from the OCD of living - tripping even more so. Both are short term answers to my purgatory. Both alleviate me from my stranded predicament, if only for a while. The latter with the added benefit of meaningful expansion. And... rapid heartbeat. Apparently.

I suppose the only constant is to continue onwards, as ever. Riding the proverbial day-mobile in this dreamscape made real. Or not. It's whatever, really.

You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland....
 
 
Current Emotional State: restlessrestless
 
 
Matt
20 February 2007 @ 04:29 pm
All setup and ready for action!

I must admit I'm a little surprised how quickly INX were able to activate it... I wasn't expecting it to be up and running for at least a couple more days. Still, can't complain - except to say that: this is a helluva lot more complicated than I first envisioned!!!11oneone.

(Nowhere near as bad as html coding, though. Goddamn I've had days in the past where my head has felt like exploding)

85.234.148.22:28045
 
 
Matt
18 February 2007 @ 04:50 pm
After a somewhat worrying return to Counter Strike, involving an embarrassing ineptitude on my part to connect gun with enemy, there has been a gradual improvement. And today, would you believe it, I even managed to top the scoreboard of a competitive and high quality game!

Now that I've improved the performance of Counter Strike (through the use of various programs / removal of games etc) it's apparent that my mouse, while a little rigid, is not a genuine problem. I'm glad because that means that all I need to do is upgrade my memory and/or hard drive capacity - preferably both - to keep CS running at a competent level. Oh, and accidentally setting my rate to 2500 didn't help (it's supposed to be 25000!). All in all, when my server is activated later this week, I'll be ready for it. Phew!

I've been enjoying Counter Strike again... perhaps the time away has benefited me. No doubt such an intense competitive game can skew thought processes. In the past I've had a habit of omitting the basics when things get difficult and too intense. I'd like to think that I've risen above this deficiency now.

The plan is to get some sort of clan going later this year. This isn't going to happen right away; but with a little practice and dedication it should come about eventually. I've been playing Counter Strike off and on for many years now, and it's about time I took the next level. Playing for casual fun and japes is entertaining ....but devising strategies, tactics - being one element of a team - and thinking on your feet in a true competitive clan match; that's where the real satisfaction lies.

Fin.
 
 
Current Emotional State: peacefulpeaceful
 
 
Matt
17 February 2007 @ 08:10 pm
I've forgotten whether I've reviewed Max Payne 2 or not. So I'll just give it a 84% and be done with it (and just quickly add that it's a little bit of a disappointment).

And I'm currently downloading BattleStar Galactica... which is nice.

And lately I've been listening to The Birthday Massacre and Mudvayne... which has been most refreshing.

And.. and erghh. I dunno. My mouse sucks.

That's it.
 
 
Current Emotional State: accomplishedaccomplished